- Shampoo - Yes, you’re in the shower, yes, it’s convenient, but seriously? Don’t do that to yourself. It burns like hell and makes you more likely to get thrush/UTIs. No matter what your genitals are.
- Cooking oil/butter - Speaking from experience here. Trust me, it may seem like a great idea when you’re both drunk and want to do it in the butt but it is hell to wash off and leaves grease marks on everything you own. And it can make your ass’s day job kinda nasty. Also? Oil does not mix well with latex.
- Vaseline - It destroys condoms and even if you’re using it alone, the same issue stands with cooking oil: everything gets greasy.
- Moisturizer - Trust me, what feels real nice on your dry elbows can really fucking burn on your junk.
- Food - Serious risk of thrush here people. Remember science class? Sugar helps shit grow! And while slathering cream/chocolate sauce/whatever-the-fuck-else on your junk might seem fun now, the two tubes of Canesten you and your partner are gonna get through in the next week or so won’t be nearly as enjoyable.
- Baby-oil - Again, it wrecks condoms, and gets grease-marks everywhere. And baby-related products do not have the sexiest of smells sometimes. Nobody wants to be reminded of their cute baby nephew during sex.
Seriously people, KY jelly or any decent lube brand. Don’t ruin your sex and your pants by using miscellaneous liquid substances in your house.
Suggestion: There are a lot of online sex toy stores (and maybe actual stores in meatspace, but I’m not sure about those) that offer boxes of lube-samplers. It’s not a bad idea to buy one and try them out and figure out what works best for you.
Also, on a more personal note, can I just say ugh to KY jelly? I tried it and not only was it not that great in the lubrication department, but it also irritated the absolute shit out of my skin. In my opinion, the best lube there is is Wet Platinum (silicone based, isn’t sticky, really slick, long-lasting, doesn’t make you feel overheated, and it makes your skin feel soft-as-fuck after you wash it off — just don’t use them with silicone toys and it warns that it might stain some fabrics, but I’ve never had that happen for me) and my second choice would be the regular Astroglide (water based; it feels sticky after awhile, heats up relatively quickly [something that I don’t personally like, but meh], and it doesn’t last as long as silicone based lube, but if what you’re doing isn’t going to take that long or if you don’t mind pausing to use more, it gets the job done).
This site sells sachets of lube for super cheap, for people in the UK (I’m not sure if they do international shipping but it probs wouldn’t be worth it really!).
Also, food as lube?? Ohhh deary me.